This resentment slowly creeps into your interactions with her kids. Say your sister continues to leave her kids with you when she goes out. You agree to babysit because you want the kids to be safe, but your babysitting enables her to keep going out. Your partner has slowly started drinking more and more as stresses and responsibilities at their job have increased. You remember when they drank very little, so you tell yourself they don’t have a problem. You may choose to believe them or agree without really believing them.

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Enabling is very commonly seen in the context of substance abuse, substance use disorders, and addiction. In the desperate stage of enabling, the enabler is primarily motivated by fear. In the innocent enabling stage, a person starts with love and concern for the other person, but they don’t know how to guide or help them. For example, a parent might insist, “They’re just going through a rough patch; it’s not that bad,” even as their child’s substance use becomes more obvious. The enabler might think, “I’m just trying to protect them from losing their job,” but this behavior only allows the problem to persist and delays the need for change. A person who engages in caretaking enabling provides constant care to another person in hopes that they can protect that person from harm.

Stage an Intervention

While the intention is to help, this behavior allows the harmful cycle to continue and can lead to burnout for the caretaker. However, enablers can be victims of narcissistic abuse, or people can be enablers to individuals with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Generational trauma is one example—patterns like “family always takes care of each other” can be passed down in ways that discourage healthy boundaries or accountability. Breaking this pattern requires setting firm boundaries and encouraging the child to take responsibility for their own recovery. They often step in to fix problems, shield loved ones from consequences, or avoid conflict, even when it causes them stress or exhaustion.

What Is an Enabler? 11 Ways to Recognize One

Enabling happens when you justify or support problematic behaviors in a loved one under the guise that you’re helping them. That can be things like giving money to an adult child who hasn’t spent theirs wisely. And it’s counterproductive to the person you’re trying to help. Enabling behavior in a drug abuser’s family is a result of fear, guilt, and a desire to protect.

However, giving money is enabling if they always use it irresponsibly. Worse, consuming drugs or alcohol around that person makes it harder for them to break their addiction. While you may not think it’s a big deal, it complicates recovery. Because you’re close to the person in need, you don’t want to believe they’re doing what they’re doing.

Seek Professional Addiction Treatment

Encourage seeking help from a therapist, and set firm boundaries. An enabler is a person whose supportive actions, driven by care, inadvertently perpetuate harmful or dysfunctional patterns in another individual. Their well-meaning efforts protect the individual from the consequences of their behavior, enabling behavior meaning hindering personal growth and accountability. When an enabler stops enabling, the person with an alcohol or drug addiction may have an easier time seeking help. Fortunately, treatment programs are available when they’re ready to change.

While this may keep things running smoothly in the short term, it allows the other person to avoid their responsibilities and creates an imbalance in the relationship. They might think, “It’s my job to protect him because we’re family,” but in reality, they’re shielding him from the consequences he needs to face to grow. As an adult, they might enable a brother’s substance use by calling his boss to make excuses when he misses work.

Unfortunately, most people don’t have the skillset to navigate things like addiction appropriately. Helpers encourage progress, while enablers often maintain the status quo. Enabling actions are often intended to help and support a loved one.

You may not have trouble limiting your drinks, but consider having them with a friend instead. They may not agree to enter treatment right away, so you might have to mention it several times. Working with your own therapist can help you explore positive ways to bring up treatments that are right for your situation. When a pattern of enabling characterizes a relationship, it’s fairly common for resentment, or feelings of anger and disappointment, to develop.

• You might feel depleted and blame the other person for taking all your energy and time.
• An enabler might do things because they fear that things will be worse if they don’t help them in the way that they do.
• Generational trauma is one example—patterns like “family always takes care of each other” can be passed down in ways that discourage healthy boundaries or accountability.
• And talk therapy, Dr. Borland suggests, can be helpful for anyone who finds themselves in an enabling situation or who could benefit from developing assertiveness.

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In addiction recovery, AA-enabling behavior refers to actions that prevent an addict from hitting “rock bottom,” which is often necessary for seeking treatment. It is not uncommon for enablers to be unaware that what they are doing is actually unhelpful and allow the other person to continue their harmful behaviors. For example, provide transportation to appointments but refuse to cover expenses like rent or legal fees. It’s important to assertively say no when necessary, even if it leads to conflict or anger.

• For example, imagine a parent whose adult child is struggling with substance use.
• Enabling behavior occurs in various contexts, including addiction, codependent relationships, and even parenting.
• Enabling another person’s behavior also can lead to them struggling for longer periods of time, since they never learn the skills they need to break out of the destructive cycle they are in.
• Negative enabling happens when someone unintentionally supports harmful behavior by shielding a person from the consequences of their actions.
• Assertiveness is crucial in maintaining boundaries and avoiding enabling behaviors.
• Encourage the loved one to seek professional help, while being prepared for possible resistance.

You might call your partner’s work to say they’re sick when they’re hungover or blackout drunk. Or you may call your child’s school with an excuse when they haven’t completed a term project or studied for an important exam. Enabling often describes situations involving addiction or substance misuse. Enabling can describe any situation where you “help” by attempting to hide problems or make them go away. Receive weekly insights to help you and your loved ones on your road to recovery. A passive enabler is someone who is unaware or indirectly enables another person.

Often, enabling behaviors come from the desire to help a loved one. This often stems from a desire to keep the peace, diffuse tension, or avoid conflict, even though it continues unhealthy situations. In the compliance stage, the enabler tries to comply or accommodate the other person’s destructive behaviors.

Once enablers realize how their actions perpetuate addiction, they are often willing to change and become a positive influence. A person handles an enabler by first recognizing the signs of enabling in the relationship. Begin by openly addressing the harmful behaviors, expressing concerns with both compassion and clarity. Encourage the loved one to seek professional help, while being prepared for possible resistance.